It's been six months since she passed away. Six months today. I can't believe it has been that long since I have held her, smelled her, played with her, watched her smile and fight her fight. She is inspiration that will never die within me. I talk about her all the time. The people I meet, I can't wait to tell them about her. Not because I want to be pitied, but because I feel very lucky to have had her in my life. Morgan was my baby. I stood by that sweet girl. I held her, loved her, kissed her, hugged her, played with her, and so much more.
There is something I never did for her; I mean NEVER, something that some people may hang their head in shame about. They may become my biggest critic in life. Never once did I pray for my daughter. I am Atheist. What does this mean? This means I do not believe in a higher power. I do not believe my daughter is in a biblical heaven living out her forever with the biblical god. I do not believe she is the hands of a higher power at all actually. I believe she is here with me. She is a ball of energy. She is my muse, my inspiration. Her energy is connected to me, and she guides me with that will to fight.
You see she taught me about the fight in her short life. She taught me to smile and be strong. She taught me to love, care, and smile, not only for myself, but for everyone, especially those who need it the most. How do I grieve this way though? How do I deal without knowing or feeling that I will be joined with her in a heaven that brings us together? Well, I may not believe in a higher power, but I believe in her. I believe in her energy and her strength. I believe that all that she had to give will live on and it will continue to inspire me. I believe that when I die my energy will remain attached to Morgan’s like a magnet. I don’t have all the answers, but I am okay with that. I feel her all the time. When I feel my motivation and drive to be a stronger and better person, I am feeling her. I have lived my life scared, scared that I am different than those around me. I have never felt the fear I have felt in the last 18 months of my life.
Let’s talk about testing faith. I am me, always. I never strayed. I never thought that I could start praying this better from the time she was born and to the time she coded. I whispered to her that I was proud of her and it was okay. I wanted her to be without pain. I wanted her to do what was best for her, even if that meant so much pain for me. I for the first time since her birth got to feel like I took some of that pain away from her in some way. Even if I know that she was so sick she just couldn’t take it anymore, I know that I told her I wanted her to be free from that pain. I don’t know how much pain she was in. I can’t speculate. I can’t sit here and say that my pain is worse than what she lived with. I feel confident when I say it cannot be compared.
Morgan lived a different life than the most typical child. She was such a versatile human that I cannot express it in words. She was better than I. She was stronger, happier, and much more open to new experiences. She is the reason I embrace those around me in a different light. I have always been a compassionate person, but Morgan gave me something to be compassionate about, and it was having compassion and understanding for others.
I embrace people who tell me they will pray for us. Not because I thought it would help, but because in my mind and heart, prayer is love to everyone who believes in it. I love, love! I loved support and well wishes. I may not believe in my mind that it can save my daughter, but the fact that someone else does tells me a lot! It tells me that they care and they are doing everything they can to help. They are doing what they truly believe helps my daughter and family. I can’t even put into words what that means to me. It is beautiful! I watched so many people just come out of the wood work to be here for my sweet Moonpie.
I use words like angel, and can’t wait to hold you again. Those words aren’t reserved for only one meaning though. My angel is my ball of sweet, beautiful, amazing energy. Her name is Morgan ‘MoonPie Marshmallow’ Sawyer Holland.
Yes I am atheist, but I still grieve. I still find my connection. I still feel her and love her every day. No I did not feel that prayer would save her, but I embrace those that do believe that it is powerful. No I do not feel that is crazy nonsense. It is just different than what I believe. I know my Moonpie is with me. She is a part of me, just like she is a part of so many people. When you die something always happens.
