It has been three months as of yesterday since our sweet girl left our world. So much has changed forever. Some days are good, even great, but other days are difficult. People don't know what to say or if it is okay to say anything at all. You see a fear in their eyes when they mention her name. I've been there on that side. Wondering if it is okay to talk about. Do they want to talk about their loved one? Will I make them sad? I never wanted to make anyone sad. I have learned some things since losing Morgan. Everyone grieves differently, but maybe what I have been through can be helpful to those on the other side of the loss.
1. Her name is Morgan
It is not that she was my daughter, she IS my daughter. I love her always. Just like our living children she still means the world to us. I don't want her to disappear from our lives. I want people to tell their stories. I don't mind answering questions about her life. When I say life, I mean her life, not her death. If I cry don't feel bad or guilty because of it. Silencing her memory would hurt so much more. Her life was beautiful and her memories keep her alive in our hearts. Don't be afraid to ask me about her. Don't be afraid to say her name. She is real to us and very important. Her name is Morgan.
2. It will always hurt.
No matter what happens in my life or how much time has passed I will still cry because I miss her. That will never go away. Time wont change that. Time will just give me the luxury of learning how to deal with the tougher times. It isn't a day by day, it is an hour by hour process. Each hour is different. Some day that will change. I know because in the last three months it has change from minute by minute. I know I will be okay. Not because I am healing, but because time has changed my grief and Morgan gave me the strength to get through this. It will only end when I take my last breath.
3. There is no set time.
I have made some life altering changes and decisions in my life. Not just since her death, but since she was born. All of these choices were different from any choice I have ever made. Especially after she was gone. The day I woke up and I was alone in my house was like waking up in a different world. I wasn't sure how real everything was because everything about that day was so different than what I had ever been used to. I have felt so many different emotions since that day. I have felt the ups and downs of yearning for another baby. Not to replace her, but to love and care for. Those moments are fleeting though, because when I think about another baby right now I only want Morgan, and I know that I will not get her back. When people comment on my desire for another baby I don't feel like I can communicate my feelings in words. There is no perfect time after a loss. There may not ever be a time that we welcome a new member into our family, but if we do only we get to decide when it is right for us or what we are feeling.
4. Love and support mean everything to us.
I love having so many people extending their hands out to us to help us through. Going places can be very difficult. Not only am I afraid I will get the "so sorry for your loss", but I am also afraid of what people might say when they are at a loss for words. Things like "maybe you were just meant to have one child" or "aren't you over it yet" or even "at least you still have your other child/ren." When you feel at a loss for what to say it is perfectly acceptable to say "I have no words. I do not know what to say, but I am here for you." It is perfectly acceptable to just tell me you have no words. Sometimes when someone is trying to be there for me and I can see there is a loss for words, and they say whatever they can to fill that in, what they do say can hurt worse than nothing at all. Just smile, and try to make life feel as normal as it can be again.
5. The 5 stages of grief have no order.
They are chaotic. They are random. Even after acceptance I will still feel times of denial. Denial that this really happened to our family. This really happened to our sweet girl. This is my life. I have moments that I have to remind myself that I can't just go pick her up and she is not coming back. I wake up from a dream and have to realize that it was a dream.
Acceptance. It is something I have to do on a daily basis. I have to not only accept that she is gone, I have to accept that everything is changing without her. I have to accept that life is continuing without her. When I lost her there were moments I thought the world would stop just for her and everything would stand still. I quickly realized that was not true. Not even for me. I had to keep living, not just because everyone I loved was, but because if I didn't I would stop being a mom, step-mom and a wife to 5 people. Yes 5. Morgan still needs me to be her mom. I just "mom" differently with her now. I get to honor her while I take a new direction. I get to carry on her memory and use her story to teach people how important life and education are. We are her voice.
The guilt. Oh the guilt! Guilt does not just come in the form of feeling guilty that something I did may have caused it or that I could have prevented her death. That is actually very rare and a very short lived form of my guilt. I feel guilt that she didn't get to meet everyone I love and adore, because I know they would have loved and adored her. I feel guilt because I can only hope that I loved her and kissed her enough. I don't need to be told not to feel that way because I know I did the best I could, but sometimes those thoughts creep in and I don't let them live there. I just want someone to understand.
Depression isn't always permanent. However it can be. It can also be fleeting. It can come one day and go the next. It comes without warning, and it can be hard to push through. I feel lucky though. I have been gifted with the amazing positivity of Morgan's smile and strength. All that she has given me has truly changed how long I let myself feel the depression. I have been lucky it has not overwhelmed me. If it ever did, I know its not because I am weak. It is because I am human. The love and support helps so much, but it also gives me the confidence to speak when things become too difficult.
The last stage I will address is anger. This is a difficult one. This one is so easy to feel. Most often when I feel it I know it is secondary to something bigger. I am not angry at Morgan, but sometimes I feel angry that she is gone. I could never be angry with my sweet angel. I do feel anger toward people who have done nothing to deserve that anger. I get over it quickly, but its there. Sometimes its over something small and completely unrelated to anything Morgan, but I feel it because I am sad that day and just missing her. Sometimes I feel angry that they are experiencing a happiness in a moment that happy does not seem possible. I am not angry with the medical staff, but sometimes I wonder if there was anything they could have done to stop it from getting where it did. I have to work my way out of those thoughts. The fact is it happened so fast for all of us. We can't see the future. Doctors and nurses are people not super humans. They are people.
This experience has taught me so much. I have learned there is no right answer. There is not "right way" to grieve. Most of all there is no time limit and time has not healed me. It only changes me. I choose daily to keep going, but I am fortunate to have the ability to make that choice. Not everyone does. It doesn't make them weak, or wrong. It just makes them different than me. That is what makes us human. The good and the bad shape our lives.
how strong I am. I cry. I cry a lot. My heart literally aches for her. I remember telling the doctor when she was in the NICU "I know any move we make with her is a risk, but not making a move is an even bigger risk." The same is true for me right now. I am not exaggerating when I tell you if I did not make a move toward living my life, losing her would have been the death of me. Even though I did not feel the pain of the illness the way she did, I did feel it. I have felt it from the beginning.
I wish for her back. I wish it every day. I cannot express that enough. I want her back! I know it wont happen. I know that I can't wish it all away. I know what the reality of my life is. I know so many of you are trying so hard to be so supportive. I know that pretty much everyone has good intentions, but please keep this in mind: When you tell me that you could not imagine and that you wouldn't be able to be as strong as me it hurts. Even though you would think it is a compliment. I struggle. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I struggle hoping that I am grieving the right way for my little girl. That I am missing her and loving her enough. I struggle with, mostly, hoping that I loved her enough when she was here. 
