Its not how it seems

In the last few months so many people have told me how strong I am. It has been tough. I smile, I laugh, and I put on a happy face. What is happening inside of me is a completely different story. I struggle. I struggle to stop thinking for even a moment about her. I want to think about her. I want to keep her in my life.

I go back to the moment Morgan was born. I remember watching her in such critical condition. She was on a ventilator and had sedatives and pain meds for about a month. Her life was hanging in the balance. I was so scared for my baby, but that wasn't the only thing I feared. I feared that I had carried this baby and grew a bond with her. I expected her to be healthy because never in my life had I experienced any other way. I grieved when she was born. Not because of who she was, but because of how I thought she would be. I wanted to put her back in my tummy and make her "safe" again. I knew that didn't make her safe, but in my mind we didn't know what was going on with her before she was born, so in my tummy was safe. Hind sight is always 20/20. I know now that she was not safe in my tummy. She had a fighting chance when she came two weeks early. She was fighting from day one. I went on a long journey. I am not going to deny my strength. I wont because I know that it got me through some things that I don't think I could have looked in from the outside and thought I can do this. Morgan was a story you read about. Not something that is your life, and she was my life. My girls are my life. That has not changed.

When Morgan took her last breath I took my last breath as the person I was. It's true I will never be the same. She has taken so much of me with her, but she has also made a trade. Even though a part of my life will always be missing, just like any child, she gave me more than she could ever have known. She gave me a reason to fight and live. She gave me goals and a future. Obviously  I wish she could live that future with me. It is so hard to even get up and out of my bed in the morning without her, but I do it for her and the rest of my family.

I often get told how strong I am. Let me tell you how strong I am. I cry. I cry a lot. My heart literally aches for her. I remember telling the doctor when she was in the NICU "I know any move we make with her is a risk, but not making a move is an even bigger risk." The same is true for me right now. I am not exaggerating when I tell you if I did not make a move toward living my life, losing her would have been the death of me. Even though I did not feel the pain of the illness the way she did, I did feel it. I have felt it from the beginning.

People can ask their questions. People can wonder how I can talk about her with a smile on my face. People can wonder "How does she do it? I would be a mess!"  The truth is, I am living a life I never imagined. It is not easy. I just try to appear to be ok. I struggle. I struggle at work. I struggle at home. I struggle all the time, but those struggles are mine. Those struggles are helping me grow, and most importantly, making me fell completely connected to a beautiful and amazing baby girl.

I wish for her back. I wish it every day. I cannot express that enough. I want her back! I know it wont happen. I know that I can't wish it all away. I know what the reality of my life is. I know so many of you are trying so hard to be so supportive. I know that pretty much everyone has good intentions, but please keep this in mind: When you tell me that you could not imagine and that you wouldn't be able to be as strong as me it hurts. Even though you would think it is a compliment. I struggle. I struggle with feelings of inadequacy. I struggle hoping that I am grieving the right way for my little girl. That I am missing her and loving her enough. I struggle with, mostly, hoping that I loved her enough when she was here.



So please, if you must tell me how strong I am, just leave it at that. Do not tell me how you think you would be if you were me. It is a situation many do not know, and I hope they never do.